Dojo Diva has been down for the count with a nasty case of POISON IVY. I fared okay doing Jiu Jitsu with my peeps at Gracie Baarra Jiu Jitsu Mansfield even though I was itchy and my legs looked like I was Patient Zero of the Zombie Apocalypse. My friends were kind enough not to mock me or shrink away. Then last week I went through withdrawal from the steroids and was siiiiick…which meant I spent a lot of time in bed. Which meant I spent a lot of time thinking.
This is bad juju.
My head is a strange place to be. I decided I needed a vacation but I have these strange fears that go with taking any break away from home.
Kristen’s Top Three Irrational Traveling Fears
1) The ONE time I don’t leave my home clean enough to perform open heart surgery will, of course, be the trip where I die in a fiery crash. Thus, as a good luck talisman of sorts, I have this compulsive need to make sure every stitch of dirty laundry is clean and put away. It’s my psychotic-and-pretty-much-fully-delusional-insurance against plane crashes.
2) If I wear cute, impractical shoes, the plane will have to make an emergency landing in some desert and then I will have to hump it out of Death Valley in those Betsey Johnson Iron-Maidens-for-the-Feet. In my mind I die not because I didn’t have a way out, but because I foolishly chose fashion over function.
We miss dear Kristen, but she left this world looking ADORABLE!
3) The Zombie Apocalypse will strike when I am away.
Every single trip, I have the same fear (I blame this on being a Gen-Xer). All I can think is, Gee, I hope the Zombie Apocalypse doesn’t start when I’m away from Hubby, Spawn and all the guns. I know normal people don’t think things like this, but I’m a writer and so the Normal Ship left a LONG time ago without me on board.
Ya dig?
And everyone should be prepared for the Zombie Apocalypse anyway. I mean we take Jiu Jitsu to be fit have fun make friends learn self-defense to be totally bad@$$ during the apocalypse.
Hey, I am not judging. I think it is smart! If one of the undead tries to bite your face off, that omoplata will TOTALLY be a game changer. If a horde of brainless freaks hit the streets of your town, you will be thinking, I didn’t know the presidential campaign was coming HERE.
Ooops. Inside words stay inside.
Zombies don’t like politicians anyway. They’re empty calories.
Where was I? Oh, yes. You will be thankful that weirdos people like me thought this stuff through because it is impossible for me to travel without thinking of the Doomsday Zombie Separated from Home Scenario.
Am I wrong to be a little freaked out when leaving home? In Texas, I HAVE a plan.
***Granted, I have no plan for flood, tornado or fire, but Z-Day? Our survival plan is tighter than Kim Kardashian’s Spanx.
We have weapons, ammo, a fallback point and lots of GF food. We can also raid the burned out shells of Central Market, Sprouts and Trader Joe’s as we flee to the ranch. But to leave out of town? I can’t bring nail clippers on a plane, so this presents a new challenge.
This is what always happens in the movies. The hero leaves for some innocuous business trip, and that is precisely the moment that some corporation trying to create a new kind of permanent Botox screws up. Then the protagonist is in for a cross-country zombie-fest with only the hope of being reunited with loved ones to cling to.
YES, I do have an overactive imagination. It is why it was better I become a writer than an accountant.
I am a really odd duck. Yes, that’s a nice “shocked face.” Thank you for being polite. No, seriously. I think these things through. I am the person who gives SAS Survival Guides and Jiu Jitsu lessons as Christmas gifts.
But I am in a bit of a conundrum since the terrorists ruined travel FOREVER. What can I pack in case of the Zombie Apocalypse?
The people in the movies are never prepared, which is why I am then required to shout expletives at the screen to make-believe people who can’t even hear me.
Anyway, since my life is not a movie…yet :D…I’ve had to get creative. Here are my Top 5 TSA-Friendly Zombie-Killing Weapons. Make it through airport security and rest assured that you will be prepared should the Zombie Apocalypse strike when you are on vacation or business travel, because you just know that an apocalypse never strikes at a convenient time *rolls eyes*. I think AAA and the airlines should give these kinds of travel tips, stuff we can actually use.
Top Five TSA-Friendly Zombie-Killing Weapons for the Apocalypse
1. Justin Bieber CDs
Being attacked by a horde of brainless freaks? Play some Justin Bieber and they are guaranteed to start dancing and crying and believing that Justin like seriously like looked right at them! SQUEEEEEEE! This method is guaranteed not only to distract the zombies, but it might even attract some Justin Bieber fans to give the zombies a snack so they aren’t busy chasing you.
The TSA isn’t crazy about Justin Bieber CDs, but they aren’t yet officially listed as weapons of terror.
Yet.
2. Cheap Hairspray
I would go for the industrial size can if you check a bag, but also at least 40 bottles of the travel size. They are under 2.5 ounces, so the TSA can’t exactly stop you, and if you wear big Texas hair they might not even bat an eye.
Hairspray, of course, is easy to make into a flamethrower, and also to do your hair. Duh.
Everyone has camera phones these days so it is a pretty safe bet that people will be taking pictures of the Zombie Apocalypse. And on any footage captured? Naturally, you want to be looking your best while triangle choking one of the undead.
3. Bubble Wrap
To the TSA, bubble wrap just looks like you are OCD about packing your stuff and making sure it doesn’t get jacked up. What they don’t realize is bubble wrap can serve as a Zombie Early Warning System. Scaling fences and cars running from mindless monsters can be tiring, so you need to get your rest. Just use the bubble wrap to form a perimeter. When they step on it? The noise can wake you up and then, when they are distracted playing with the bubble wrap–because, seriously who can resist freaking BUBBLE WRAP?—you can bust cap in their @$$. Not exactly a weapon, but the zombies end up dead–er, so who cares? Close enough.
4. Lady Gaga Meat Dress
It’s like a Ghillie Suit for slaying zombies. Just make sure you wrap this in the bubble wrap to keep it from leaking on your other stuff. And I might advise freezing your meat dress.
Not only will freezing your meat dress keep it fresh for the flight, but wearing freezing cold meat can a) help you stay cool while running for your life b) serve as a cold compress for any injuries you might sustain c) makes excellent body armor d) will keep anyone of the opposite sex from remotely hitting on you, thus preventing the sexual distraction that normally comes before a zombie rips your skull open e) can be used as food until it get’s that greenish slimy look f) but once it does get green, slimy and stinky, you will fit right in with the zombies, thus the Lady GaGa meat dress becomes the perfect zombie camouflage.
The downside is the zombies might not eat you, but you could die of e-coli, so make sure to fully cook your meat dress before consumption
The TSA might be iffy on this one. I know we can’t transport produce across state lines, but no one at the airlines would answer my questions about the meat dress. And now my phone is clicking. I think it’s been tapped.
5. A Bag Full of Legos
Need to trip up a pursuer? Toss a bag of Legos on the stairs and listen for the scream. To the TSA agent, you look like a loving family member bringing a child a toy, but little do they know Legos have a dark side and sharp edges.
Well, those are the Top Five TSA-Friendly Zombie-Killing Weapons. Any TSA friendly weapons you would like to add? I’d love some additional suggestions to add to the bag.
Do you have weird travel rituals? Do you have a fear of dying and loved ones finding your house a mess? Why would we care anyway?
